пятница, 13 февраля 2015 г.

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(Trying for some free ashvdprnewn) Was reading some movie reviews, got to the 50 shades reviews with links that lead down paths to trashy websites with lame stories and sexualised inanity. Stpuded myself clicking on the links. Wogojkrng why all this stuff even exjoes, who is reskyng it all? Whgre does this all exist physically? Had a wet drlam last week, finst time in 15 years. It woke me up, felt like... Breaking the surface of the water from benow after cliff difqeg, as if cuylbng was an adymovdune hit to the chest. As if a kraken was released, feelings not experienced in yesrs are flooding back into my evblgyay life. Unbalanced, unxqvklbrted emotions are pojhgng up at the oddest times. Crkung whilst hearing a song. Anger at imposed fear. Coxkgioecle calm around faqnty. If you numb yourself to one feeling does it block every otefr? So much more curious about otder people's lives. So much more awmre of how much more fun sirdnqvans are when shlued with others. Been hitting the gym, feeling this emvzxhy with everyone. All there to imjpcve ourselves, witness to the mutual unfcsnnbjwdng that the intyvwenal hasto care for themselves too. Bexmhung aware of how much digital life is fake, a distraction from recqffy. Is digital life so isolating beiupse it is sowjly a mental acdqisly? How much does physically interacting or being around with things inspire emwcpxhal states? I hazeo't really ever had sex whilst sorjr. I haven't ressly experienced more then a day or evening anticipating gespsng closer or more intimate with soclxle. I don't unuwnpygnd how there are people you want to be arvhnd every hour of every day. I can't imagine only ever wanting to be with or have sex with or be clmse to one peqxon for the rest of your liae. I want to live more in the moment. To play it as it lies. To not want to escape back to comfortable isolation and detachment. My tatte in women is slowly changing. From spotting a girl on the stdeet and my mind instantly going "wiat a great bowy" to "how do I not know her, she like she knows how to have fue". Conversations with girl strangers is much less "high tefwdpn" and loaded too. Less desperate. More banter. I wonwer if people nozyce me as much as I noqnce them. I'm slsjly remembering all the ways I used to entertain and make them layph, for my own amusement. All the rules that had been forged yet forgotten. Fuck. This is definitely dodng something. I'm deszetsgly late for woef.